A life lost without a fight

All the joy with which I returned from the 7 pm show of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on Tuesday evaporated when I switched on the TV. The 10 pm news programme was nearing the end and the anchor quoted a Reuter despatch to say that the Indian worker in Afghanistan, M R Kutty, abducted on Saturday by Taliban terrorists, had been killed. The channel ran footage of Kutty's wife weeping inconsolably, hugging her child. It was an extremely disturbing sight. The rejoinder that neither the governments of India nor Afghanistan had any confirmation was no solace, for rarely have such claims been proved wrong.

 

And, indeed the claim was right. On Wednesday, his beheaded body was found on roadside.

 

In December 2002, two Indians were kidnapped. At that time the governments at the highest levels got involved, the official machinery moved much faster to establish contact with the abductors and the captives were released after 19 days. This time, nothing of that sort was in evidence. It appeared just no one was bothered. Delhi administration was too preoccupied with Bihar election.

 

Delhi not being bothered about one distraught family in far-away Kerala isn't so surprising, but couldn't Kerala be bothered about its native? Its government was so shamefully dormant, made no attempt to take an initiative to save Kutty. Officials were more bothered about diplomatic proprieties and niceties, saying that since Kutty worked for a central government organisation and since he was posted abroad it was the duty of the Centre to resolve the issue. So much for the value of life and work.

 

Kutty's death was unlike any other. He risked his life by being in the place where he was. He was there not to push any ideology. He was there to earn a living, to support his family. He was a worker, but unlike any of us, chose to serve the nation (he worked for a central government organisation) in a very dangerous place.

 

Yet it is a pity that his employers (the government) showed no interest in the crisis. Journalists in Delhi had to contact the Indian high commission in Kabul to get details of the worker, so much cut off and indifferent were the people at the ministry of external affairs in Delhi. India should have taken the threat seriously, given that in August two British workers had been killed. There was no attempt made to contact the abductors.

 

Now what is the status of other workers of the Border Roads Organisation in Afghanistan? What security do they have? How unsafe are they? Are their lives also so cheap like Kutty's and ready to be gifted away to terrorists.

 

Terrorism is like any other crime in our society. What makes it news is its gigantic proportion and devastating reach and impact. Terrorism has always been there, and will continue to be there in one form or the other. Even countries like the US, which have a national policy not to negotiate with terrorists, have well-structured backroom channels to deal with the menace. Recently, I read somewhere how Indian private companies, mainly IT companies, have tied up with global insurance agents, to deal with terrorists, if and when a need arises, so that their employees are never harmed.

 

Like in a war, you never want the enemy to get the upper hand. You don't want them to walk away victorious. Nothing should be done to give the impression that terrorism has won. Contacting terrorists doesn't mean giving into them. It's a method of engaging them.

 

Kutty was like a soldier on our borders. Life of workers like him is in the line of fire. Such workers are national heroes. Often their lives are lost, a sacrifice to uphold a larger good, a higher moral principle, a national interest. But what hurts greater than the loss of life is the way it was lost -- without making any attempt to hold on to it.

 

Kutty's life was lost without a fight.

Child missing from home

Quite ironically this had to happen a day after my previous posting on Nov 14, observed in India as Children's Day, when children are the focus of attention. My posting that day was on how elders need to radically change their ways of dealing with children.

 

The next day, Nov 15, at night around 9 I got a call from a friend saying her 13 year old son was missing from home. Children running away from home -- this is something that is at the back of every parent's mind, but you don't think it can happen until it does. Shocked, I just mumbled, "Did you check out everywhere...?"

 

Sobbing, the mother said, "I did. He is no where. Around 7.45, I had just asked him to kneel down as a punishment, since he hadn't studied what I had asked him to study. I flunked the book at him, and went to the kitchen seething in anger. After a few minutes when I returned to his room, he wasn't there. On his notebook he had scribbled: I am gone forever..."  

 

Since the boy is known to us, I hoped he might come to our house, or he might call up from somewhere, when he would realise that he had ventured into something that he couldn't pull off. With hope, I stayed home, rather than join their neighbours in the search. The fear was not that the boy wouldn't return before long, but what if, some criminals on seeing a vulnerable boy walking the street at night kidnaps him... It was too scary even to think... 

 

Around 10, a neighbour saw the boy apparently returning to the house, but on seeing the crowd, ran away. This gave everyone the hope that the boy was around the neighbourhood and hadn't gone far away.

 

The search continued. And, finally around 1 am the boy was found... curled up because of the intense cold, partially asleep... sitting on the floor of a nearby place of worship...

 

Relief all around. But it had sent shockwaves among his classmates and parents too.

 

A child (or for that matter anyone) would never take such a drastic step, unless he/she is under tremendous emotional stress. Obviously this boy was under lot of stress. Like many middleclass children, this boy too had lots of comforts at home. But that's not what mattered to him. It's what he missed.

 

The parents admitted to me that they used to beat the boy and shout at him. Their only complaint was the boy wasn't studying and was academics was on a downslide.

 

This is one problem that all parents face. How to keep their pre-teen and teenaged children under check. "You stop them, you are damned; you let them you are damned" -- that's situation they face. They are their wit's end not knowing how to react as highly enthusiastic, bubbly, confident, cheerful children are into everything... except studies.

 

The emotional trauma many children silently endure -- mainly because of lack of proper attention from their own parents -- is a reality which is not well recognised. The danger that lurks behind is enormous. If you are a parent (especially of a teenaged child), please do go through the points below. They are well-documented facts evolved by experts after intense study on modern child psychology. If you are not a parent, or you are not directly affected by this topic, please forward this to anyone you think will be interested.

 

1. Treat teenagers with respect. Don't insult them. Don't keep pointing out their mistakes, and never in front of others.

 

2. Don't compare them with other children. Each child is different and they are endowed with different abilities. Some may be slow learners, some may be fast. Some may be good at arts, some may be good at maths. Some may learn better by seeing, some may learn better by hearing. Every child has to be tackled in a unique manner, in a way that brings the best out of them.

 

3. Never beat pre-teen kids and teenagers. It's violent and demoralising.

 

4. Never nag children with commands and advices. If you think that a particular point has been made many times in the past (but not heed to) just repeat it once and leave it. Try to explain calmly without raising the voice why your child should listen to what you are saying. It works better when the kid is in the mood to listen.

 

5. Expose children to inspirational personalities. It works very quietly and at a subconscious level, and has a long-term impact.

 

6. Treat friendship with peers especially with those of opposite sex as quite normal. Never sound alarmist, though you need to keep a check, without seeming to do so. Never make fun of their boyfriends or girlfriends. What is a joke to a parent, could very well be an insult to the teenager. Be very cautious.

 

7. Explain matter of sex, if and when they crop up, in a matter of fact manner. Never instil the idea of "bad" or "guilt" with issues concerning sex. Tell them it is a physical activity like breathing, or an emotional feeling happiness, but they need to grow up to understand it fully. And, more importantly never say: "You won't understand" Instead assure them "You will understand as you grow up." There is enormous difference between the two.

 

8. Never harp too much on studies and marks. It irritates kids, and they lose whatever little interest they may have. If you see the marks dipping, try to find out why it is going down, rather than tell them: "study, study, study..." and punish them for not studying.

 

8. If you detect some marked deviant behaviour -- like disinterest in studies, arrogance, unruliness, lack of regard for what you are saying etc... treat it as a symptom of something wrong somewhere, rather than as a disease. Closely examine the child's activities, without making it obvious. Do an introspection and check if as a parent you aren't yourself committing a mistake somewhere.

 

10. Keep communication channels open with the child. Let him/her never be inhibited when interacting with parents.

Thought for Elders on Children's Day

Jawaharlal Nehru was not just the first Prime Minister of India and an erudite, socialist, Anglophile politician; but also had a great fan following among children, much like the current President Abdul Kalam. And, for that reason, his birth anniversary is celebrated in India as Children's Day.

 

It's a day when children are willingly let into a world where normally the writ of adults run. Thus, in schools and colleges, children swap places with teachers, they sit along side professional radio jockeys and go live on air, they hold centrestage in mock legislature and court proceedings. In short, for one single day, the elders willingly lend their ears, let the kids speak, let them be what they are, or what they want to be.

 

Most children have whale of a time on Children's Day. They do on other days too; until the fetters fall on their gay abandon; until they are structured subliminally to conform to societal stereotypes -- by, who else, elders. Children's Day, should have its share of heightened level of activities for them, but it's also a day for adults to ponder over their role in shaping children's future. How much of a good role model are we -- more importantly the celebrities and public personalities -- to the children?

 

Children are easily characterised as "tomorrow's citizens", "the future of the country", etc. But how much of time and effort are we investing in them? More often than not they are taken for granted. "O, they will grow up," is one ubiquitous adult remark about children. Of course, they will, as long as they get something to eat when they are hungry.

 

Children who are lucky to have the three basic needs -- to be fed, to be clothed and to be housed -- fulfilled, miss two equally important things: 1) caring for their emotional well-being, and 2) plenty of inspiration and role models.

 

The mind of a child in today's fast-changing world is hardly understood, most importantly by their own parents. Very few children -- blessed though they may be in all basic necessities, comforts and even luxury -- have a rocksolid foundation of good ideals and values in their very own homes. It is on this foundation, the child, when he grows up, falls upon when he is faced with crises, to draw, not just comfort, but resilience to spring back to life. Not surprising, many seemingly well-qualified elders stumble, wobble, collapse and rot away in times of crisis.

 

Role models, how many we have? And sadly today we have to ask, how genuine are they. For, there have been far too many instances of well-placed personalities and celebrities -- inspirational figures one day but -- stripped off their aura and plummeting to doom -- the next day. With crooks and criminals, in their original garb and also in disguise, abounding in multitudes, for a child to be inspired is a serendipitous chance.

 

This day belongs to adults to as much as to children. A day for the elders to stop and ponder, while kids make merry.